Obnoxious Hockey Parents

Obnoxious hockey parents come in all shapes and sizes, but believe it or not we’re not all crazy. Unfortunately, those that are crazy just stand out a lot more than the normal folks. Of course, their obnoxious in their own unique and special way. P.S. If you’re both a sensitive and obnoxious hockey parent, you should probably stop here. Consider that your trigger warning.

  1. The Bragger. Listen buddy, nobody and I mean nobody wants to see 50 pics of your child playing hockey on a statewide youth hockey forum. For that matter, they don’t want a recap of their performance at summer camp either.
  2. The Timer. We’ve all seen that one parent that always brings a stopwatch to the game and times everyone of their kid’s shifts. God forbid little Johnny doesn’t get enough ice time. Because this parent will hunt down the coach and demand to know why Princess only played 5.234 minutes in the game.
  3. The Suck Up. This is the parent who’s nose is so far up the coach’s ass it smell like ish. You know the one, they’re hours early for games and practices. Moreover, if the coach gives private lessons, they’ll sign up for every session to assure their kid’s ice time. (I totally forgot about this one until my hockey players pointed it out.)
  4. The Chronic Complainer. You simply cannot please this person. No matter what happens, it will be wrong. In fact, this person’s kid could win the Stanley Cup and they would complain its not gold.
  5. The Aspiring Golf/Tennis moms. First year bantam moms, I mean u-14 moms, this one is for you. Hitting is a part of the game and even a clean hit can result in injury. It’s a risked we all assumed when our kids hit the ice. If it’s too much for you, its time to sign the kid up for golf or tennis. Because frankly I don’t want to hear you screaming at the ref every time a kid gets checked
  6. The Coach. This one’s self explanatory, but I enjoy listening to hockey dads that have never skated strategize about the game. It’s amusing.
  7. The Perfectionist. This one is sad to me because this parent is always ragging on their kid no matter how good they play. For some reasons, these negative nellies have blinders when it comes to their kids’ achievements on the ice.
  8. The Anti-Ref. Similar to the coach above, the anti-ref is the parent who every game screams and yells at the ref despite not understanding the rules themselves. In some instances, they’ll even follow the refs to the ref room because their complete losers. Unfortunately, this asshole’s antics sometimes result in a bench minor for their kid’s team.
  9. The Uncommitted. When you sign your kid up to be a part of a team, you better make damn sure you’re upholding the commitment. Hockey is a team sport and a lack of commitment from a player can be a team killer.
  10. The foul-mouthed, broadcasting penalty box mom. Oh wait, that’s me.
  11. The Tailgaters. Just kidding tailgaters aren’t obnoxious. Tailgating pregame over the last decade has given me some of my best hockey memories.

I’m sure I’ve missed out on one or more of the obnoxious hockey parents archetypes, so this list could be updated. Obviously, this list is not representative of the majority of hockey parents. Most hockey parents I know are there because they love, like me, watching their children play the game they love.

Here’s a list of our day’s activities:

*I’m reading Wolf Hall, by Hilary Mantel.

*11 days until I’ll have all my boys in one place!

*I still can’t run because my toe. Honestly, I’m going to try running on it on tomorrow.

*We’re tracking the Tropics here in Florida. Fortunately, it looks like none of these waves will be impacting Florida.

*I made leftovers and cookies for dinner tonight.

*The word of the day is goodbye. Honestly, we are all struggling to say goodbye to Maya.

*I took my puppies including sweet Anakin for a. I put on his harness every morning. In spite of the harness, he still managed to get a toad before I could pull him off. Fortunately, it was a small toad and he’s a big boy.

Caffeine Drip

I’m in serious need of a caffeine drip for tomorrow after the craziness of today’s hockey schedule.  The Mayor’s team was at the rink by 7:30 am for their 8:30 game.   My hubby, who is a saint, took the Mayor for warm-ups, so  I could sleep in.   7:30 am isn’t really my idea of sleeping in, but it was far better than the alternative.  The Mayor’s squad got the win, which started off our day of 4 hockey games perfectly.

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Post-game I headed to Burn Fitness, an awesome locally owned fitness studio, for my first aerial yoga experience.  Admittedly, I was a bit concerned about the inversions and the potential for nausea, so  I skipped my early morning coffee and breakfast.  Pre-class I had a GU gel for energy that wouldn’t upset my stomach during class.  I have to say I was a bit relieved to hear that the other newcomers to aerial yoga were just as nervous as me.

 

Once in the studio, we picked our swings that were best matched to our height and then setup our yoga mats under them.  We took to our swings to start working our core and open our shoulders.  The core work in aerial yoga is quite similar to working on the TRX, so it is intense and efficient.  Surprisingly, the inversions didn’t bother my stomach and didn’t make me dizzy.  I quickly learned that if I was swinging too much while upside down,  I could put my hand down to stop the swinging motion.  The warrior poses and half moons poses  felt incredible in the swing.  I could feel myself getting more elastic as the class progressed.  Unequivocally, the best part of class was the shavasana in the swing that quickly became cocoon-like.  It was absolutely heavenly.

After yoga, I was finally able to enjoy my morning Dunkin and some solid food.  I made myself some Gardein Schezuan Beef and broccoli ,which was super tasty.  No sooner had I finished my lunch, when we had to head back to the rink for the Mayor’s 2nd game and Goalielock’s first game.   Of course, I had to stop and get another coffee lest I get cold at the rink.

The Mayor was on fire during his second game.  He scored a hat-trick and had several assists.  It was incredible to see the kids moving the puck.  I loved seeing them work so hard to setup their teammate for a goal.  Undoubtedly, their teamwork today is what led to their success as a team.  Honestly, I just love watching my Mayor play.  He’s the smallest on the ice, but he plays and runs his mouth likes he’s six feet tall.  He works hard and is always giving 100%.   I love his commitment to his team and his game.

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As soon as the Mayor’s team left the ice, the Zamboni started cleaning the ice for Goalielock’s game.  I spent a lot of quality time with the scorekeeper today.   In an effort to contain my crazy, I ran the music during the games today, which put me in the sin bin where I belong.  Goalielock’s had the first game off, but his goalie buddy Brian was lights out that game.

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Unfortunately, someone probably should have called a 5250 for the megaphone mom from the opposing team.  We’ve been in travel hockey for many years and we’ve seen a lot things, but this woman took the cake.  She put the craz in crazy.  Keep in mind, these kids are either freshmen in high school or 8th graders not little kids.  Imagine, if you will, a mom screaming directions and commentary via a megaphone from the stands.   My favorite part, is when she chirped our player, #4, and he took the puck and went and scored.  Thankfully, the goal was enough to shut her up for a couple of minutes.  I did my best to drown her out with the music, while my better half drowned out the megaphone with a fog horn.  Instant karma was served to megaphone mom as we beat the team 7-1.

Between Goalielocks’ two games, we headed to pick up the Mayor from dinner and pick up some grub.   Unsurprisingly, we didn’t have a ton of time between games, so there was no trip home between them.  After taking Goalielocks’ to Publix for a sub, we headed back to Hurricanes to get hubby and the Mayor.  While we waited for the check,  I acquired a nice, new sexy tattoo.  You’ll love it, but don’t worry mom it’s only temporary.

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In the end, the Mayor decided to go to a teammate’s house during Goalielocks’ game, so we headed back to the rink without him.  I took my position in the sin bin, where I belong, ready to blare the music as the boys took the ice.  The game got a little chippy, but we were all relieved that there was no megaphone mom on this team.  By the end of the 1st period, we were up 5-0.

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Goalielocks’ wasn’t seeing a lot of work, which stinks for a goalie because you don’t have the opportunity to get into a rhythm.  Nevertheless, he was playing well when his team needed him. I was busy in the box with a couple 10-2 and repeat visitors.   Nonetheless, the boys won 9-2.  Goalielocks’ played well, but as always was quite critical of his performance.