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Obnoxious hockey parents come in all shapes and sizes, but believe it or not we’re not all crazy. Unfortunately, those that are crazy just stand out a lot more than the normal folks. Of course, their obnoxious in their own unique and special way. P.S. If you’re both a sensitive and obnoxious hockey parent, you should probably stop here. Consider that your trigger warning.
- The Bragger. Listen buddy, nobody and I mean nobody wants to see 50 pics of your child playing hockey on a statewide youth hockey forum. For that matter, they don’t want a recap of their performance at summer camp either.
- The Timer. We’ve all seen that one parent that always brings a stopwatch to the game and times everyone of their kid’s shifts. God forbid little Johnny doesn’t get enough ice time. Because this parent will hunt down the coach and demand to know why Princess only played 5.234 minutes in the game.
- The Suck Up. This is the parent who’s nose is so far up the coach’s ass it smell like ish. You know the one, they’re hours early for games and practices. Moreover, if the coach gives private lessons, they’ll sign up for every session to assure their kid’s ice time. (I totally forgot about this one until my hockey players pointed it out.)
- The Chronic Complainer. You simply cannot please this person. No matter what happens, it will be wrong. In fact, this person’s kid could win the Stanley Cup and they would complain its not gold.
- The Aspiring Golf/Tennis moms. First year bantam moms, I mean u-14 moms, this one is for you. Hitting is a part of the game and even a clean hit can result in injury. It’s a risked we all assumed when our kids hit the ice. If it’s too much for you, its time to sign the kid up for golf or tennis. Because frankly I don’t want to hear you screaming at the ref every time a kid gets checked
- The Coach. This one’s self explanatory, but I enjoy listening to hockey dads that have never skated strategize about the game. It’s amusing.
- The Perfectionist. This one is sad to me because this parent is always ragging on their kid no matter how good they play. For some reasons, these negative nellies have blinders when it comes to their kids’ achievements on the ice.
- The Anti-Ref. Similar to the coach above, the anti-ref is the parent who every game screams and yells at the ref despite not understanding the rules themselves. In some instances, they’ll even follow the refs to the ref room because their complete losers. Unfortunately, this asshole’s antics sometimes result in a bench minor for their kid’s team.
- The Uncommitted. When you sign your kid up to be a part of a team, you better make damn sure you’re upholding the commitment. Hockey is a team sport and a lack of commitment from a player can be a team killer.
- The foul-mouthed, broadcasting penalty box mom. Oh wait, that’s me.
- The Tailgaters. Just kidding tailgaters aren’t obnoxious. Tailgating pregame over the last decade has given me some of my best hockey memories.
I’m sure I’ve missed out on one or more of the obnoxious hockey parents archetypes, so this list could be updated. Obviously, this list is not representative of the majority of hockey parents. Most hockey parents I know are there because they love, like me, watching their children play the game they love.
Here’s a list of our day’s activities:
*I’m reading Wolf Hall, by Hilary Mantel.
*11 days until I’ll have all my boys in one place!
*I still can’t run because my toe. Honestly, I’m going to try running on it on tomorrow.
*We’re tracking the Tropics here in Florida. Fortunately, it looks like none of these waves will be impacting Florida.
*I made leftovers and cookies for dinner tonight.
*The word of the day is goodbye. Honestly, we are all struggling to say goodbye to Maya.
*I took my puppies including sweet Anakin for a. I put on his harness every morning. In spite of the harness, he still managed to get a toad before I could pull him off. Fortunately, it was a small toad and he’s a big boy.